In my decades as a conflict resolver, there is one thing I am crystal clear on:
When we are in the grips of overwhelm and fear or frustration and anger, our capacity to think clearly and to problem-solve simply evaporates!
It’s not just my noticing either. This has been substantiated by multiple studies and sources over the years. Given that, doesn’t it amaze you that so many of us seem to still push through a conversation when one or both of us are visibly upset?
I’ve been caught up in those situations too – where emotions are escalating and my brain’s saying to me: “They just need to understand this one piece of information!” Other times that unhelpful part of me inside is whispering: “Yikes! Danger! I’m out of here!” as my heart races up in anxiety. Most of us have similar reactions to the stress of relationship conflict.
Here’s the thing: when we’re all in an emotional state, there is no good thinking going on, so why push the thinking at that time? Our capacity to think clearly is gone. If we choose to persist in those moments, we quickly get caught up in an Amygdala Pas de Deux.
What’s in an Amygdala Anyway?
Many of us are aware of this almond-shaped brain structure that helps regulate our behavioral and emotional responses. The amygdala is involved in the following:
- It detects threats
- It sets off a body response (e.g., pulling your hand off a hot stove)
- It is our fear conditioner (e.g., being afraid to drive after getting in a car accident)
- It processes positive emotions
- It encodes emotional memories.
Once we know what an amygdala is, let’s move on to an Amygdala Hijack. That’s when our amygdala is activated and “hijacks” the thinking of our pre-frontal cortex. The amygdala perceives a threat to our safety, so it disables our thinking capacity. It jumps over thinking – to re-route brain resources to our survival strategies – behaviours learned early in life and link to variations of fighting, running away or distancing, numbing out or submitting and giving up.
For example, if you hear a sound that your amygdala perceives as dangerous, your amygdala will send emergency signals to your body before your thinking brain can even process what that sound is. It happens that fast. It’s what makes us jump or flinch at something, regardless as to whether it’s dangerous or not.
Our brain is finely tuned to protect us against any perceived threat. It’s good to us that way!
What’s the Amygdala Dance – That Elegant Pas de Deuz?
We know that the amygdala is standing guard for us, ready to jump into amygdala hijack action in the nanosecond it detects a threat – whether real, imagined or even just linked to a past memory. We are all walking around with these potential tripwires. Some of us have more than others (depending on many factors).
As a result, that amygdala hijack can happen at any point!
Here you are, innocently carrying on a conversation with someone, when all of a sudden, someone says something that activates an amygdala hijack. One of you has a flush of frustration and raises their voice. Or there’s a constricting of the vocal cords – a barely perceptible change in the cadence of your voice. Perhaps you notice your heart rate increasing or palms sweating.
Sometimes we notice these signs. Often we don’t.
When we don’t notice when our amygdala is activated in a conversation, this can lead to rapid, reflexive, and emotionally charged comments that are usually regretted. The thinking in this state is the worst of what you meant and not at all the full story you want to tell.
This is the dance – one person gets activated, then the other. You are no longer able to have slow, thoughtful, regulated communication. And, since emotions are contagious (yep – it’s called “emotional contagion”) – everyone’s getting an Amygdala Hijack.
It’s an Amygdala Dance as it’s not just one of you being activated but both of you. You activate my amygdala and I activate yours and the quality of our connection, our capacity to problem-solve – poof – disappears and the conversation deteriorates rapidly.
What Can We Do Instead of the Amygdala Dance?
This is where the Take a Break Card is such a simple solution!
Get an index card and write down in bold letters “Take a Break.” I got this idea from a wonderful tool called Mediator in a Box (www.simplehelpinabox.com) – which has just such a card in its tool kit!
In my mediations of the last few years, I would tell clients about the Take a Break card, and bring the card into the mediation room. I would let them know they each have the authority to call for a break at any time and the card could remind them of that.
One important clarification about using a Take a Break card. It’s not a break as in “I’m out of here.” That’s abandonment. There needs to be a pre-agreed upon understanding of what is meant by “Taking a Break.”
It starts with the permission for either person to call for the break at any time. Sometimes one of you can notice the “signs” more than the other person. So either party can call for a break and the other has pre-agreed to listen to that request.
Then the other important component is the break is expected to be very short. It could be a few minutes to a maximum of 20 minutes in very activated situations. It’s not a break for hours or days. It’s a break to do some self-regulation.
It’s also not a break to call a friend and complain about the other person or to ruminate about how bad the other person is acting. It’s a short break to, ideally, take some deep breaths and find our own center again.
The Take a Break card gives you permission to self-regulate to help you both keep your thinking brain online and get to the mutual understanding and problem-solving you both would like in the first place.
Take a Break to Shift from Your No to Yes State
Daniel Siegel, a renowned psychiatrist, educator, and author, has worked with couples to help them notice when they slip from their “Yes” brain state to their “No” brain state. The “Yes” brain is indicative of our open, curious, self-regulated self. When the topics would get difficult, as one or both of the couples would increase their emotional intensity and decrease their love connecting, Siegel would intervene.
He’d asked them whether they were in their “Yes” brains or their “No” brains.
In the first few sessions, couples had no idea they were shifting away from measured conversations! So, Siegel would intervene as their voices were escalating. That helped them increase their own awareness about it happening. Over time, they got aware enough that they were able to regulate themselves without him having to interrupt. That enabled them to keep in the conversation in a good way.
That’s what using something like a “Take a Break” card can do for you and your most important relationships – whether at home, at work, or in the community.
The idea of taking a quick self-regulation break while working through a difficult conversation has been a blessing in my life and has helped many of my clients as well.
I’d love to hear if you try using a Take a Break card in your valued relationships!
You Can Do This!
Here’s a bit of inspiration from the Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön to help you on your way!
“In Jill Bolte Taylor’s book My Stroke of Insight, she points to scientific evidence showing that the life span of any particular emotion is only one and a half minutes. After that, we have to revive the emotion and get it going again. Our usual process is that we automatically do revive it by feeding it with an internal conversation about how another person is the source of our discomfort. This is a very ancient habit. It allows our natural warmth to be so obscured that people like you and me, who have the capacity for empathy and understanding, get so clouded that we can harm each other.”