Welcome back from the vortex of the holidays!
Like many of you, I too had my fair share of heart-connected times and tenser family times. Much like our teams at work, our teams on the home front give us ample opportunity to do conflict well.
One of the joys of my work is that what I learn about connection and presence, applies just as well at home as it does at work. We all have the same basic brain equipment.
So, I want to share with you something I distilled recently interacting with two family members, in the hopes it might help you across your community domains as well.
These two family members got into a little disagreement during the holidays over a seemingly innocuous topic that went south fast. Isn’t that often the way, whether at home or at work?
The conversation went into the territory of:
- who said what to whom
- who meant what
- who had the right perspective.
Sound familiar?
They both called me up about it separately. Here’s how I responded and what I think helped them. See if there’s something that resonates for you as well.
1. Take a break when the conversation heats up – This is something I advocate and I do with them too when I need it. In this instance, they both did take a break when the conversation started to get tense. One said he needed a break (and called me) and the other went for a walk around the block (and called me). They both had the capacity to step back from the rising intensity and take time to self-regulate to a calmer state. When we’re activated, we can easily slip into a brain state 5 (to use language from Emotional Brain Training). That’s when we do things we regret and we harm the relationship. Yet, so many of us persist at the rising tension point. Or, we suppress the important, meaningful topics, because we don’t want to risk doing damage so we don’t share anything meaningful beyond the mundane.
Having an agreement (worked out beforehand), that either party can take a short 10 to 20-minute break at any time, helps. Take a break they did!
2. Share multiple perspectives for a third story – Each of them started out by telling me how their perspective was the right one. One said the other’s point of view was off the mark and the other person said they weren’t being listened to at all. I spoke with each about how we are all running our own “movies” and how every movie is a valid experience for that person. This is a powerful stance and it does have nuance. It’s not that everyone has their own point of view and we are all right in what we believe. It’s that we only have one part of the truth and we cannot know all of the truth without expressing ours and seeking to understand theirs. Together, we can weave together a third story that is more of the truth.
So, tell our truth from our own point of view, not like it is the supreme truth. That allows the one person to state their truth as if it is just that – their truth, not THE truth. That gives room (and saves face) for the other to move hear that truth – and then share their own.
3. Share intentions and impacts – Each of them was talking about intentions and impacts but they’d not yet shared these with each other. Our intentions and our impacts are hidden unless expressed. We assume the worst intentions when an action lands on us badly. It’s even got a name: Attribution Error. We also don’t like to be told what our own intentions are, so don’t tell someone what you think their nefarious intentions are. It’ll just provoke defensiveness. Save yourself a lot of grief by looking for and asking about positive intentions.
Impact is also hidden unless expressed and vital to share. We need to get practiced at expressing the impacts of someone’s behaviour., in a way that our voice can be heard. That other person is not living in your world and will not have thought as deeply about how things affect you. The challenge is to speak up without blaming the other person. Sharing intentions and impacts can get you out of tricky territory. Both my family members were able to breathe easier when they realized the care that was there in positive intent and in realizing sharing the impact was all that was required. It makes the task much more manageable.
We Need You Conflict Coaches!
These are my family members so they’ve heard me say these things before. They also come with their own skills and abilities. Yet, when we are in the thick of our activations and hurts, we all need our community around us, telling us the kind of things I helped them remember.
We all need to be conflict coaches for each other. We can advocate for peace in the midst of tension, for friends and family and colleagues and direct reports and bosses, and community members.
This role of conflict coach is a hallmark of a peace-oriented culture and it is empowering to think we have a positive contribution to make to our communities in the ways we respond to their conflicts.
I hope this helps you strengthen your own vision as a force for peace in the world – for yourself and for sharing with others!