Why Bother Opening a Can of Worms?
As a mediator and conflict connoisseur, a question I get asked a lot, when I am encouraging people to talk with each other, sounds something like:
“Why should I even bother having the conversation?”
“What’d be the benefit in me even opening that can of worms!?”
Exactly! That’s a really valid question!
Tough conversations take effort. They are fraught with possible pitfalls, failures, and damage to relationships. We know that. We’ve been there.
So, we can easily get stuck in our own loop of confirmation and negativity bias. We convince ourselves there is no benefit in bringing something up because those tough conversations haven’t gone well in the past.
We confirm our good reasoning and let sleeping dogs lie. But those are not sleeping dogs. They are a can of worms and they will not stay still.
There are many risks in NOT bringing up a wriggly subject. Can you think of any?
Here are a few I’ve seen play out over the years:
- You risk the other person sensing something is off and making up their own ideas about what that could be.
- You risk strengthening your own narrative about what’s going on between you without all the information to broaden your story.
- You suppress your own voice and authenticity.
There are also benefits in bringing up the topic you are dreading, such as:
- Stopping a little piece of sand (a tiny issue) from turning into a big blister.
- You can potentially transform what was an uncomfortable topic into a meaningful one that deepens connection.
- You express what is true for you and hear more about the truth of the other.
None of this is guaranteed – and – if you stay in the risk column, the lid on those can of worms stays shut and the worms simply multiply. Our reasons for NOT having the conversation grows. We reiterate our side of the story to ourselves over and over again and we repeat this version to others.
They agree with us, as they only hear one portion of the story and it’s often told in language fraught with evaluative language. We’re not even telling the same story our listener is hearing.
So, you stay stuck in your story, you avoid the can of worms conversation, and lose out on learning the fuller, richer picture.
What I’ve seen time and again is that it is in your own best interest to spend time considering other elements in your decision-making.
Having a few questions to prompt you out of your risk reverie can be very helpful. We all need a grounded sense of certainty and motivation to take on the potentially daunting task of the unknown. Questions can set us off on a quest, an inquiry. It’s fairly safe to start with asking yourself a few questions. It can broaden your thinking, and the questions themselves won’t bite.
So, a powerful question to start with is to ask yourself: What could be the benefit of bringing up the conversation?
Here are a few more benefits I’ve heard people say as a result:
Self-respect.
- This is a big one and quite sobering for people. When they are thinking only of all the things that could go wrong if they initiate a conversation (and there are many things that could), they don’t even see a glimpse of what could be a benefit. So, when they realize that the reasons for a conversation could actually be more about them, it is a surprise.
An increased possibility of achieving what they want.
- This is another benefit that stays underground when buried under a pile of “This will never work.” When they can pull themselves from under that, there are actually huge advantages to opening up our imaginations and watering our hope.
Authenticity.
- Sometimes people realize they are hiding an important part of themselves for fear of hurting the other person (come back from the risk side!). When they realize the value in the other person knowing about them, about the impact of what is happening for them, it is a relief. Impact is hidden unless shared so the other person would not even know unless you tell them.
You can also ask yourself: What might be the risks and the benefits to the other party in having this conversation?
Careful consideration often reveals the other party may also be afraid of having the deeper conversation. They too may be lost in their own roadway of fearful scenarios. They too may need a compelling reason or benefit to have the conversation.
I’ve often said, if you can’t think of a reason why it could be a benefit for the other person to talk with you, you’ve got more work to do!
Once you ask yourself more about the risks and benefits, motivation starts to emerge. You need to find the energy and the courage to bring up a difficult topic, so this step is often needed to find that courage.
These kind of questions are also often overlooked when talking with the supporters in our lives. They are supporters for a reason: they want to hear your side and they want to protect you. That’s good.
And, it is also a gift to have people encouraging you to have the conversation. In peace-oriented cultures, that’s what the community does: we encourage others to talk.
Taken from another angle, High Performance Coach Brendon Burchard tells us that high performers are assertive too. Their assertion however is not to conquer or compete. They express themselves because of a habit of courage in sharing new ideas, engaging in complex conversations, expressing their real thoughts and dreams, and standing up for themselves.
Exactly!
So, next time you think of a difficult conversation and stop at the risks for why you shouldn’t bring it up, I invite you to pause and draw on your innate courage.
Ask yourself what the benefits might be if you do get the can opener and open that can of worms. See if you can find at least one for you and for the other before you decide it’s not worth it.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if considering the benefits of a conversation more often strengthens into a habit of having more courageous conversations for more of us!
You can be that kind of leader – a collaborative leader in your own life and as an example to others. You can do this!
Let me know what you discover.
“I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC (Non-Violent Communication) as a way to train my attention-to shine the light of consciousness-on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking.” … Marshall Rosenberg