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Archives for January 2023

Get Your But Out of My Face! Both/And Thinking

January 6, 2023 By Julia Menard Leave a Comment

Recently, I had the pleasure and privilege of spending the holidays with my friend, Isabelle Roland (and her amazing family). Isabelle and I have known each other for over 35 years. Isabelle’s a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, godmother (to my daughter), classical musician, teacher, leader and so much more. I feel so grateful for our wonderful friendship as we’ve watched each other’s children grow up, met those we each love, gone through hardships and celebrated victories.

In one of our recent holiday conversations, she mentioned something she’d learned from me a long time ago that still helps her in her thinking. 

It comes from the world of negotiation and starts with making a distinction between distributive vs integrative negotiating. I wanted to share it with you as it’s something I do and use as well, but have forgotten that there was a time I didn’t. 

I hope you like the concept.

Saying it in an easy way, it’s to remember to get your “but” out of my face.

We have been teaching this little tip at the Centre for Conflict Resolution at the Justice Institute of BC, where I’ve taught for 25 years.

Once you learn this, your relationship with “but” and your thinking may be as massively impacted as Isabelle’s and mine. I hope so!

So, firstly, we need to understand a basic concept from negotiation theory: distributive and integrative negotiating.

Distributive negotiating assumes there is a fixed pie, that there is a limited resource and so we need to think in terms of “either/or”.  Either you get it or I do. Win/Lose.

Distributive negotiating might be something similar but perhaps it’s compromise: you get a little and I get a little. Compromise is a Win/Lose plus Win/Lose equation.

A distributive approach is a type of win/lose bargaining and is competitive. In the world of finite resources, we start to feel threatened and our survival biology kicks in.

See my How to Have Difficult Conversations course for more on avoidance culture and how to turn that around.

With integrative negotiating, there’s an assumption that we can expand a pie, that there can be more possibilities for ways to solve a problem than may appear at the start.

Integrative negotiating requires us to stop fixating on the limited pie of either/or. When we are focused simply on what is in front of us, it’s easy to descend into distributive negotiating or win/lose because all we see is limitation and black and white thinking.

In that state, we lack imagination and even willingness to approach the problem creatively.

For integrative negotiating, you need “Both/And Thinking.” This kind of thinking leads to creative and innovative thinking. 

Integrative negotiating is a type of collaborative negotiating where we include the deeper needs of everyone. Both/And.

How?

Foundational to this approach is starting with understanding each other’s perspective. We need to get more clear on what is driving us – our own motivation – and what the deeper needs are driving the other(s).

We need to talk in a way that allows us both to be heard and understood so the deeper needs can surface. Once they do, then we can get creative and innovative about what else might solve the problem.

“Both/And Thinking” is also the name of a new book by Wendy K. Smith and Marianne W. Lewis. They’ve spent decades researching paradoxes looking for the key to how to help people deal with their thorny issues.  They too landed on “Both/And Thinking.”

They have also discovered that adopting this “Both/And Thinking” mindset makes possible more creative, flexible, and impactful outcomes.

That’s been my experience tpp as a mediator, in hundreds of conflicts, playing out in a multitude of contexts (work, home, school, government, First Nations, etc).

Shifting from “but” to “and” is a tremendous tool and so simple that it can seem like a party trick. And, it can be that fun to do too. 

The new action or habit – is to shift from using “but” at all times for a while (or any of its cousins like “however” or “nonetheless”) and simply replace it with the word “and.”

See what happens!

At first, it seems silly. I know, I’ve actually suggested this to hundreds of people, as it was one of the first I learned when I was schooled in conflict resolution. It’s fundamental and it is powerful.

When we jettison “but” and replace all our buts with ands, we find we can stretch our thinking. 

That’s what Isabelle meant!  She’s adopted the practice and found that she can include more things in her world by keeping her but out of her (and other people’s) faces.

You don’t need to do it permanently but if you experiment for a while, you will notice the impact it has on your thinking and your outcomes.

Try it. I’d love to hear the results! 

Appreciate the Astonishing Opportunity of Life at this Time

January 6, 2023 By Julia Menard Leave a Comment

For the last few months, I’ve been referencing an article
about 6 moral precepts from the field of bio-ethics. The article suggested we hold on to some ways of being together as we enter these times of environmental collapse.

The 6 suggested moral guidelines are:

  1. Work hard to grasp the immensity of the change
  2. Cultivate radical hope
  3. Have a line in the sand
  4. Appreciate the astonishing opportunity of life at this time
  5. Train your body and mind
  6. Act for the future generations of all species

I’d like to draw our attention to one of these every month.

This month, it’s the fourth precept of: Appreciate the astonishing opportunity of life at this time.

This maxim gives me a sense of responsibility or duty to simply appreciate. We can appreciate many things and, in this context, we are talking about appreciating how amazing nature is, even in (or especially) the face of loss and change.  

As they say in the article: “appreciate that there is anything at all, and that we have witnessed it.”

The article also talks about those who have been ill, the dying, and how their illness reminds us to savour and appreciate what is in front of us.  Adore the trees, the leaves, the sky, the ocean, the birds.  They are dying.  Our natural habitat is dying. 

Romance Nature. Remind yourself of your own deep love of what is (and is no longer at every heartbeat).  Feel its grandeur.  Appreciate.

I took the picture above on a walk when I was in Vancouver recently visiting my friend over the holidays. I was fascinated by the trunk of the tree and in fact by the whole tree.  It stopped me in my tracks as I would pass it each day. So I visited with it for a while. I hope it reveals some of its majesty to you as well.

“I do not think a day passes in my life in which I fail to look with fresh amazement at the miracle of nature.”
  … Pablo Casal

Breathing Through The Heart

January 6, 2023 By Julia Menard Leave a Comment

The HeartMath Institute has been around since 1991, and is dedicated to researching and developing scientifically based tools to strengthen the connection between the heart and the brain. They are responsible for generating a lot of data and practical tools for how to self-regulate and increase coherence within and amongst us.
 
I’ve loved their work for years.
 
One tool they use is called Heart Focused Breathing. They teach it as it causes specific physiological changes in our body and brain patterns to synchronize.
 
It’s incredibly easy.
 
Concentrate on your heart area, the actual physical region where your heart is located. You can put your hand on your heart to help you feel it. Try that now.
 
As you do so, imagine you are breathing in and out of your heart. This may take a dollop of imagination but eventually you may have some sensations in your heart.
 
That’s it. That’s the whole practice. You can do it for a minute or less.
 
Interestingly, HeartMath has found that heart-focused breathing can naturally slow down and cause our breathing to become regulated.
 
The catch is, you can do this a million times a day if you want. The more you do it, the more you are moving your body’s regular stress levels to a self-regulated, balanced place.
 
Just put your hand on your heart… so you can feel that region. Then imagine you have a mouth in your heart (just making this up).
 
HeartMath suggests you connect this breathing technique to mundane regular tasks like walking through a doorway or washing your hands. I tend to set a timer throughout the day to remind myself to Pause.
          
I find when I am in the groove of doing this practice, I do it as many times as I can remember and start to feel like my heart is my home. I come home to my heart.

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