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Archives for May 2019

Listening Into Tension

May 18, 2019 By Julia Menard Leave a Comment


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Over the last 6 months, I’ve been diving into Landmark Education.  It’s been an enjoyable ride, and I’ve learned a lot.

Part of the joy of being in this community has been the people I have the privilege of meeting in the community.

One such individual gave me permission to share a story of hers which I found powerful.
 
Sharon had been taking a Landmark Leadership course where she learned a way of being with someone that she found so impactful, she was telling me it was like she had found magic.  I was intrigued!
 
She said now any time she feels some tension or dissonance in her relationships, she uses that as a signal to switch to truly reflecting back what she is hearing the other person say.
 
Her experiment took off in earnest with the results she got with her four year old son.  His chore has been to empty his backpack of his lunch container after school.  This particular day, Sharon noticed his lunch containers were still in his backpack. 
 
Sharon asked him about it, and he immediately denied it:

“But I did empty it!! I emptied it already!”
 
Sharon responded as she usually does, which is to try to talk sense (as we say!). 

“No you didn’t.  It’s your job and you have to be responsible…”
 
The conversation was deteriorating fast and her son was beginning to get so agitated, it looked like a complete melt-down would be coming soon.
 
Sharon’s husband was standing by, ready to intervene, when Sharon got an idea.  She told her husband:  “Let me try something.”

She immediately turned to her son and said:

“So you already emptied your backpack.  I hear you.”
 
Her son stopped his sniffles and comments, and looked up at her.  Paused and said:

“Yes, I did.”
 
She kept on: “I understand you.  You are saying that you emptied it already.”

“That’s right!” he said, now completely engaged.
 
In fact, he was so engaged, he ran over to his backpack and opened it up to show her.
 
But what he saw was that his lunch kit was still in there.
 
He looked at Sharon and looked confused.
 
She said:  “You thought you unpacked it and it’s still there.”

“Yeah…” he says.
 
She offers:  “Could it be that you unpacked your backpack a different day and not today?”
 
His face brightened up, he visibly relaxed, and simply started unpacking his backpack, no questions, comments or demands.
 
That’s a powerful story!
 
The next day, it was on my mind when I went for a walk with a friend.  She was telling me how she didn’t think she was a good friend of mine, because the other day, I had asked if I could talk about something with her, but she had talked about something in her life.  That’s not how she shows up for me at all; I really value our friendship and find her always aware, as I am, of balance, however it works out.
 
So, I was busy reassuring her what a good friend she was when Sharon’s voice came in my head.  I could see my friend was, in a way, resisting what I was saying and Sharon’s voice pointed out: 
 
“This is a tension point.”
 
It was small and insignificant moment and seemed counter-intuitive, since I’d be agreeing she wasn’t a good friend.  But I did it.  I told her I got it – I got that she was thinking she wasn’t a good friend.  I got it that she wished she’d behaved differently in that moment. 
 
Her reaction actually surprised me, since for me, I think I would have felt horrible hearing a friend agree that I was a bad friend.  But I wasn’t agreeing with her. I also wasn’t telling her I thought she was a bad friend.  I was simply being a mirror for her.  Her reaction was that her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.  In fact, in the whole 8 years I’ve known her, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her face glow as much as it did in those moments as I simply fed back to her what she had said.
 
It seems like such a simple move.  And in one way it is.  And in another way, our thoughts as listeners want us to go to so many other places than what is simply right in front of us.
 
My invitation to you is – the next time you feel a bit of tension in your conversation , stop and switch to reflecting back to them, to their satisfaction, what they are trying to say.
 
And, as we say in my field, understanding does not mean agreeing!

Leveraging Hope

May 18, 2019 By Julia Menard 5 Comments


If you are a regular HEN reader, you will know that the previous two issues have linked to seminal articles on climate change and eco-system collapse (see past issues here).
 
One action that has resulted since publishing those articles, is a friend and fellow community-builder Gabe Epstein contacted me to let me know there are a few people in our ‘hood starting to really chew on these issues locally.
 
I was intrigued!

Within weeks, a group of us have now met a few times to discuss the impact these issues are having on us and what we think we can do. 
 
The irony is, many of the people gathered, are the same people who gathered together 10 years ago to form our food security group:  Gorge Tillicum Urban Farmers (GTUF).  GTUF grew organically (I know!) – whereas this group has a certain urgency that GTUF didn’t’ have.
 
Because of this newsletter and these recent conversations, I’ve had a sustained focus on the “state of the world” – such that I couldn’t enjoy a sunny day these last weeks without thinking that it meant climate disaster, floods, starvation, pestilence and all manner of horrible things – for myself, my loved ones and for future generations as well as other species, plants and all life forms.
 
That’s a lot to carry with one’s mid-morning green tea!
 
The culmination for me was waking up in the middle of the night recently in utter panic. I woke up with this deep, deep dread and sense of helplessness.
 
Luckily, that was my low point.
 
Somehow, things have shifted a bit since that fateful night. I still feel scared about what might be coming but it’s not consuming me.  It’s an attentiveness now, that I think results in motivation and change.

What shifted?

Part of my shift was the realization I was going to need to manage my emotions or else I couldn’t continue to hold the reality of the possibilities being played out by very reputable sources: scientists, authors, researchers, journalists (I could go on).
 
This realization then opened me up to a new possibility. I read a post in a Deep Adaptation Facebook group (oh yes, I’ve been diving deep!) and it was about “Hopium.”  Hopium is a derogatory term for those who hope that things will be different with the environment or state of the world.  What started happening in the Facebook group was some people in the group said they hoped things would be different or found hope in various places.  Others would say they didn’t believe in hope.  One side felt hurt, the other self-righteous.
 
This happens when we panic.  We start to slip into our reptilian selves.  This less resilient part of ourselves sees things in black and white; we become rigid, judgmental and lose compassion.
 
I repeat: this happens to all of us.
 
My final antidote came through someone else’s blog/podcast. James Altucher was interviewing Mark Manson on his newest book – one about the study of hope.
 
This line jumped out at me:
 
“Being heroic is the ability to conjure hope where there is none.”  … Mark Manson
 
All at once, I “got” it. 
 
My job is to “Hold On To Myself” (sub-title of a book I co-wrote with my co-author Judy Zehr). 
 
I can’t control the destruction of the earth, our eco-system, plants, people, etc.
 
But I can control myself.  I can find those nurturing places inside myself that allow me to stay firm and planted where I am.
 
I like hope. I am going to hold on to hope.  I am not letting go of you, hope.
 
And if that is my opium, so be it.
 
Hope won’t stop me from acting. 
 
Hope will give me the strength to hold steady. 

Hope will help give me the presence of mind so that I can show up still with my caring, my kindness, my compassion intact.

For myself, for you, for us.
 
And, to top it off, here’s what is, to me, a hopeful article.

Healing from Conflict

May 18, 2019 By Julia Menard Leave a Comment


I heard an amazing and inspiring story recently from fellow mediator Lisa Arora.  She had just gotten back in April from the American Bar Association’s Dispute Resolution Spring Conference and shared a bit about a presentation she saw there.

It was a description of one City’s response to a terrible tragedy. On July 6, 2016, in an American city named Falcon Heights, an African American male named Philando Castile was shot and killed by a police officer after being pulled over. The shooting shocked and outraged the community and the City Council’s response was to establish a Task Force on Inclusion and Policing to

  1. articulate community values
  2. identify community needs
  3. recommend programming and policies that would make Falcon Heights a more inclusive and welcoming place for residents and guests.

In addition to Task Force meetings, what ensued was a series of five community conversations, attended by approximately 100 people a time, where community values were articulated, recommendations harvested and the possibility of healing and reconciliation arose.
 
According to the City of Falcon report, the community conversations covered the following topics:

  • Conversation 1 – February 16, 2017: Conversations focused on personal and community values.
  • Conversation 2 – March 2, 2017: Participants helped develop options for how the City can live out the Community’s values in its activities, policies, and policing policies and practices.
  • Conversation 3 – April 3, 2017: Participants reviewed and provided feedback on draft policing recommendations.
  • Conversation 4 – May 1, 2017: Participants shared their thoughts on what is needed for transformational change to begin and each made a personal commitment.
  • Conversation 5 – June 19, 2017: This conversation will focus on commemoration on of the work accomplished and move towards next steps for the community.

This is an inspiring outcome for a very tragic event.  Citizens gathered to share their values, what they want to aspire to, not who they’ve perhaps been and through that, started to identify what actions would allow their values to come to life.
 
This is also a great model for any of us wanting to create more sustainable communities, whether in our neighbourhoods, interest communities or at our teams at work.

Has your community co-created a statement of values?  If you have, have you also identified how you want to operationalize those values?  Has your team or group spoke about what your own personal commitment is to seeing those values in action?

I hope you find this story as transformational as I do.  If you are interested in the City of Falcon Height’s summary report, you can find it here.

Free Conflict Tips Here!

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