It’s been remarkable these last few months to teach three teams the How to Have Difficult Conversations model. Individuals on these teams have created their own relationship with the material as they worked to make the tools and skills their own.
One such person inspired me with her deep desire to integrate the learning and skills she was receiving and to take back key aspects to the team she supervises.
One important takeaway for her was the realization that she wanted to become more aware of what she was noticing through her 5 senses and separating them from the thoughts she was having about those observations. That’s a distinct step in the 8 step model.
She also wanted to become more aware of what she was feeling and what needs might be attached to those feelings. That’s another step in the model.
These might seem facile as you read them but her sincere desire and passion for wanting to practice these skills lit a fire in me!
Here are the four aspects of the Difficult Conversations model she wanted to practice:
- What we notice in the world through our 5 senses
- What our thoughts are moment to moment
- What our feelings are
- What our needs are
There are other parts in the 8 step Difficult Conversations model, but these are key components and are likely life-long practices for most of us mere mortals (including me).
These 4 domains are also used commonly in many communication models, including Sherod-Miller’s Awareness Wheel, which we teach at the Centre for Conflict Resolution. It’s also been used by Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-violent Communication model. These 4 core areas of our experience have also been mapped out by Gervase Bushe in what he calls an Experience Cube.
Landmark Education also makes the distinction of separating “What Happened” (our observations) from “Our Story” about what happened (our thoughts and interpretations). This one distinction has helped many heal old hurts.
Suffice it to say, having more awareness about what we are observing, thinking, feeling and needing is helpful in holding on to ourselves and in fostering connection with others.
Seeing this person’s deep desire got me considering how can you get better at those distinctions? If you really wanted to continue to build on the 8 step model and take it to heart, what would help you after the course is done?
What came me to was to create a guided meditation to help raise internal awareness about these 4 domains and that you can practice as often as you like.
I was also listening to a lot of Daniel Siegel at the time and he’s got a wonderful mindfulness meditation he calls his Wheel of Awareness practice. He got the idea after noticing a wheel and its hub in the middle and spokes coming out of its centre. His meditation focuses on the hub and then the spokes are attentional devices to move our awareness from our hub to the outer rim of awareness. He offers that meditation for free on his website https://drdansiegel.com/wheel-of-awareness/. I’ve done it many times.
So with that experience in my bones and the idea of featuring the 4 domains, I recorded a short 11 minute meditation. It is intended to help connect you to yourself more strongly – to help you increase your awareness of what you are noticing, thinking, feeling, and wanting.
That skill can also translate into helping you communicate your own experiences more clearly to another person and into helping you attend to the experiences of another.
Here is an overview of the guided meditation I created:
After being invited to connect with your own hub or centre, however you define that place inside that you are holding on to, I guide you as follows:
- I will invite you to notice what you can about your 5 senses.
- Then, the invitation is to notice your thoughts.
- The third area of attention is to emotional sensations, housed in the body.
- The fourth area is the practice of asking one powerful question: What do I want?
Throughout it all, you are invited to strengthen the awareness that emanates from your higher self. The idea that we have a higher self is age-old and kind of obvious. Who hasn’t received a flash of inspiration, creativity, or joy? These all come from that place in us we can call our Essence. Daniel Siegel calls the location of this higher self the “hub” of his wheel of awareness.
I enjoyed creating this mediation, originally for one person, and love the idea that you might find some gift in this practice too.
I would love to hear your experience! It would bring me great joy! And if you like it, please feel free to pass it along to any one else you’d want to share it with!