Many people have heard about “I statements.” As someone said to me recently: “It’s counseling 101.”
Yet, I do see many people struggle with expressing I statements, or even having a common understanding of what they are.
So, let’s start with the basics: what do we really mean by I statements?
In its simplest form, an I statement is when someone talks about their own experience:
- I went to the store.
- I think your bike is swell.
- I feel happy when I eat vegan ice-cream.
- I want to play my bass more.
The implication is that when we use an I statement, we can express our own experience and how the world impacts us, without blaming someone else for our perspective.
This is a complex concept. It quickly brings in questions of societal equity and justice, harm and reconciliation. Am I responsible for my own experience. Well, yes and no. As Viktor Frankl said (and he should know):
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
So, it’s the journey of making meaning of our lives. That’s what I want to invite you into. And, here’s the thing: it’s easy to talk about ourselves when the stakes are low, when we feel relaxed, open, and trusting. When the topic is high stakes with sharp differences and tension, focusing on our own experience can be very challenging.
We all have this delicate tripwire in our brains called an amygdala. It’s the alarm system of our bodies and it can get set off easily. When our emotional brain is agitated, we feel threatened. Our brains have not evolved enough to distinguish between real, physical threat, and emotional threat. In a state of threat, it’s encoded in us to deflect, be rigid, and blame.
Blaming then is a symptom of a lack of perceived safety. Being in these states is the anti-thesis of taking responsibility. It’s virtually impossible to be balanced when we are triggered. I statements are hard to find in conflict situations. Add to that, some people live with an alarm system that seems to go off a lot, making it even harder to find self-responsibility.
Here are a few things to keep in mind with regard to I statements in tense topics:
1. Be calm. When the topic is important or threatening, we need to self-regulate. When dealing with someone who can agitate easily, we need to be even more calm. We need to help their physiology co-regulate with ours. Mirror neurons means we’re both feeling it. Emotions are contagious and we feel them through our body. So, we need to keep checking in with our emotional state in the conversation to ensure we are holding on to ourselves.
2. Plan for being calm. We may know a certain topic or person will be tense. In those circumstances, think through how you will self-regulate. Can you bring your favourite tea mug? Can you write a sticky note reminder to stay calm? Can you build in a short 5-minute break? The bigger picture is wiring ourselves for calm as a practice. There are many apps and programs to help us raise our set point for more self-calm. This is one of my favourites of late.
3. Practice expressing 4 domains of experience. We can also practice expressing our experience. Gervase Bushe, in his book Clear Leadership, maps out four clear areas of experience that can be said after an I statement. You can speak about:
- What you notice (in clear, behavioural language)
- What you are thinking about (your thoughts only)
- What you are feeling (bodily sensations and feeling words)
- What you want – what you truly, deeply want (your deeper needs & desires).
These 4 domains sound easy. They are not. They take practice, work, nuance to integrate, understand, practice. I’m still deepening into these domains and will my whole life.
The good news is, you can practice being calm, rewiring your calm set point and expressing your 4 domains of experience, everyday. Do so in calm times to strengthen your capacity and to create more choice in your life. Tell me what you think! 🙂
“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.” … Eleanor Roosevelt