In these chaotic and stressful times, chances are high someone is going to lose their cool. Either we or someone else is going to raise our voice, sound condescending or sarcastic, roll our eyes… express some frustration or hurt in a way that is not the best.
Someone is going to show up in some way that is, well, not optimal.
Here’s a classic situation. Can you relate?
Two people have a great relationship. This could be two co-workers or a supervisor and employee or a married couple for that matter.
Then stress comes into the picture.
This could be a period of time – like some pressing deadline to meet. It might be a new project or event or even a new person who comes into the picture. The pressure start to mount and then an exchange or two becomes hurtful to someone.
The truth is we all have a shadow character inside of us (see this blog post for our 4 selves which is so illuminating and normalizing).
When we feel threatened, that self is going to come out and just might take a bite at someone.
Yes, none of us is perfect. There will be times when we act in a way that we, perhaps, wish we hadn’t.
So the empowering question is –
Then what?
In our culture, the norm is to not talk to the offending party directly. We want to either ignore that there are any underlying tensions or we will “vent” to another person or perhaps even ruminate about the person or incident in our own minds.
And we start to take sides. We’re right and the other person is wrong.
Yet, we don’t seem to consider talking directly to the other person. That is often the best medicine and antidote. It can seem counter-intuitive however. Why would I want to talk with someone where I’ve felt the pain of conflict?
If we believe in the value of learning and growth, then we will want to talk with the other person because we will invariably learn something! The other will have value for you. Their perspective will challenge yours – you will stretch, you will become breathless, you will grow larger than your former self.
The path to that experience is through the land of understanding.
Unless we can get to understanding, we will stay in the pattern of blame, wrongness and isolation.
Change comes through connection, talking and understanding.
Talking is the path to liberation, freedom and transformation!
Understanding – ourselves and the other person – brings in new information. New information broadens our perspectives and voila – we have a new way of looking at the situation and ultimately a new way of solving it.
Grand vision, I know!
I believe in am this vision because I’ve seen it come to life, time and again. Mutual understanding is the path forward to healing, reconciliation and change.
How do we get there?
The first piece of the puzzle is this word: Curiosity.
Can we get curious about our own reactions and about the other person’s? Can we cut ourselves and the other person a bit of slack? Can we bring in compassion and remember we are all human – and that we all have soft underbellies – no matter the level of heinous crime.
Can we agree that no one is actually “bad” or “wrong” but that there’s always an explanation that makes sense from one person’s perspective?
It’s not that we would agree with the explanation, but that our first duty is to understand.
Understand, as I say frequently, does NOT mean agreeing.
Understanding is the balm.
It is the elixir.
It is the starting place for reconciliation, repair and healing.
When we get curious, we open the door to discovery.
We might discover that our employee has a sick kid at home and that child is now in the hospital. Or we might discover that the other person is horrified by their own behaviour, ashamed to admit it. We might discover a longing for recognition, for acceptance, for an apology.
If we come at the other with a closed heart, holding back in despiar and disillusionment or anger and evaluative judgements, we will not get to understanding.
Come forward with an open heart. Embrace oneself and the other with this intent to be loving. No matter the crime.
Love is not acceptance. Love is understanding. And, we get there with curiosity.
What is underneath the presenting issue? Getting curious allows us to avoid the sand trap of making the other person wrong for their behaviour. When we are in the pit of wrongness, there is no way out.
All behaviour makes sense. It might not be the “right” behaviour but unless we get to understanding, that behaviour will never change.
“I’m a tiger when I want love, but I’m a snake if we disagree.” – Jethro Tull