Firstly, I want to thank those of you who took the time to respond to last month’s newsletter where I first mentioned that HEN is going through a metamorphosis.
I look forward to sharing the new focus with you, starting the September 29th Full Moon. That’s when the “H” in HEN – Health, will become the centerpiece and be called HOTY.
HOTY is the acronym for the book Judy and I co-wrote: Hold On To Yourself: How to Stay Cool in Hot Conversations. The theme is the same: Health and Conflict.
The Negotiation topic, from the “N” in HEN, will come to you at each Dark Moon, with the subject line: On Conflict as it’ll be from the On Conflict Leadership Institute. Gordon White and I co-founded that in the spring of 2021 and I run it today. You’ll be able to opt out of either or both newsletters (no worries!).
Our HEN transition will happen gently. We have two full moons in August – this one and August 30. A Blue Moon! So, one more HEN before we launch the new!
Enjoy!
Need Help With Conflict?
What’s on my mind this full moon is that I get approached more and more frequently by people who are in conflict with family members or friends. Whether the conflicts are situated inside workplaces or in families or communities, my heart always goes out, as I know there are things that can help.
And, I can’t be in all places at once. Additionally, often times, mediators are expensive, not immediately available and take the conflict further out of the hands of those who most need to own it and resolve it.
These days, I’ve become interested in how to make an impact through creating artifacts that can spread peace!
So, here’s what I’d love to share with everyone and how I’d like to respond to anyone who might be faced with a conflict that feels important but intractable.
1) Hold on to the belief that Conflicts are more solvable than you think!
After 30 years as a mediator, coach and trainer in the area of conflict in contexts as diverse as criminal law civil claim suits to workplaces and beyond, I still believe ALL conflicts are resolvable.
I know this belief can sound naive. I base my belief partly on my own experiences of helping so many people find those tweaks and skills and mindsets that definitely shift things for the better.
I also base it on watching conflicts from afar. Whether in the news or in other people’s lives, what people do to create dysfunctional conflict is predictable.
And what one can do to move to healthier conflict, is also predictable.
That is good news.
2) Get some education – We’re all woefully under-educated
I’m basing this belief on the 3 decades of teaching, mediating and coaching conflict. I’ve often thought about why mediations often work when a mediator is in the room, but many mediations don’t seem to last.
This inquiry has led me to the compassionate conclusion that we are generally woefully under-equipped for how to deal with conflict.
Over the course of my career, my emphasis has moved more and more towards education. That’s my passion as I see education now as the ultimate conflict intervention.
It takes time, yet I’ve seen over and over again when people learn the skills and mindsets for how to communicate better, the pay-offs are powerful and ripple out.
People have told me things like until they learned about how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, they would suffer in “silent screams.” Many say: “They should teach this in schools!” and “This should be mandatory training for everyone – like First Aid training.”
Yup. I agree. Learning these skills give you agency and personal power as well as the capacity to contribute to building better relationships and communities. Pretty powerful stuff!
3) Start your education in small chunks.
You can read an article (Lots of them on my website) or a book on how to resolve conflicts. One of my favourite conflict books is still Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication.
Of course, reading is not the same as practice and, it’s a start.
David Rock’s concept of the 5 fundamental human needs can be helpful to learn. As mammals: we are either move towards or move away from getting our needs met.
I have found those 5 needs help me get a handle on what’s causing fear in me or in another.
I have also found, I still have to think about how I can make it feel safer for the other person to talk. A little sprinkling of Bill Eddy can help. He has some great resources to deal with the more challenging personalities. Sometimes too when conflict is heated, people who are not normally high conflict, can appear so.
Here’s a podcast episode where Gordon and I interview Bill Eddy.
4) Get Your Own Mediator in a Box
Mediator in a Box is a way to provide equal access to respectful justice. It provides anyone with the process and ability to do a mediation.
That’s an impactful process.
I am the Canadian distributor for Mediator in a Box ,I loved it that much! I also have great admiration for the two sisters who created it. They designed a useful tool that works.
Mediator in a Box can be used for yourself to prepare, or used together or used as a support for a third party to be a witness or mediator.
5) Take Advantage of our 50 years of conflict experience boiled down to an hour
If you want to really start to master the topic of conflict and lay down the basic foundation, you can check out this simple, self-directed course on how to have difficult conversations. Another discloser – I’m very biased here as I co-created it with my long-time collaborator, Gordon White!
We did so after realizing there were no just-in-time learning offerings for those who want to become more collaborative communicators. Our course has an accompanying workbook and worksheets on how to prepare yourself for each step. Info here.
Robert Kegan (a developmental psychologist) – has said that conflict is a challenge to our pretense of completeness. I find that belief helpful because it can change conflict from something horrible to an opportunity to learn more about oneself and others.
Conflict then becomes a path for growth and learning.
Welcome to the world of becoming a Third Sider and peacemaker. So pleased for us to be joining together!
“It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” … Eleanor Roosevelt