There’s been a huge shift in the water cooler talk these last few months. Who hasn’t engaged in some form of conversation about the state of power-over, competitive, win-lose politics.
For those of us who still believe in collaboration, what meaning are we to bring to this changing landscape in the type of leadership that is being modelled these days?
That’s a question I’ve been wrestling with and after having some doubtful explorations, I’m excited to say I’m starting to see clearly again.
One turning point was being able to see how conversations were playing out in the White House with visiting dignitaries. What I saw was a way of negotiating that is actually a very old way.
Competitive, power-over negotiation tactics are nothing new. Remember when the advice was to not tell your conversational partner what you wanted to talk about – keep them in the dark so you get an advantage? Or how about when the recommendation was to invite someone into your office and make sure their chair was lower than yours, so they feel inferior right off the bat? Or how wanting someone to feel afraid of you – so they’ll “take you seriously”?
These are all power moves and I’ve seen them play out in the mediation room and in the classroom over the decades. There are ways to deal with power-over dynamics. They do require an adjustment and it’s not as big as I first thought.
Stick with me – and I will tell you a story to illustrate. It’s called Sugar in Milk.
A new acquaintance of mine, Ashok Panikkar, told me of the story – an ancient Indian-Zorastrian tale – and I think it captures one important lesson on how to deal with power. I feel grateful that Ashok shared it with me as it is fitting to the times.
The story starts in the 8th century, when a group of Zoroastrians, followers of an ancient religion, were fleeing persecution in Persia (modern-day Iran). They arrived by boat onto the shores of India, at Gujarat.
Legend has it that the King in those lands met the Zoroastrians on the shore. They couldn’t speak the same language, so the King motioned towards a bowl of milk filled to the brim, to indicate there was no room for the refugees.
He made it very clear that the Zoroastrians were not welcome. The King, it would seem, had all the power.
The Zoroastrians could have given up at that point – believing they had no power.
Or they could have tried to blame the King for his lack of empathy, hoping to shame him into better behaviour.
However, as the tale is told, they did neither. They did not give up and they did not blame the King.
The way they responded is the secret to the third way, neither submission nor violence (whether in words or deeds).
Let’s call this way “Power Collaboration.”
It started with a pause – the Zoroastrian priest paused thoughtfully. This one act – the Power of the Pause and Going Slow to Go Fast – is in itself an act of revolution. We stop our emotional brains from taking over when we Pause.
Then, he got an idea! He walked mindfully back to their boat, to fetch something. He came back with a teaspoon of sugar.
He walked up to the bowl of milk and very carefully added a pinch of it to the overfull milk. He stirred gently and handed the milk back to the King – with deference and respect.
The King tasted the sweet milk. He was impressed.
He then granted the Zoroastrians asylum. They could stay. They are now the oldest Zoroastrian community in all of India.
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I paid attention to a few of the televised conversation between the White House and visiting dignitaries from around the world: Zelensky, Keir Starmer and Prime Minister Ishiba of Japan.
As I watched, that was the medicine I needed. As a conflict mediator, consultant and teacher –it was fascinating to glimpse into those sometimes very difficult conversations. I got to see what looked – well – very familiar.
So when Ashok shared his ancient story with me, I recognized the wisdom in it to help deal with power.
Do not mistake appreciation and gentleness, sugar into milk, as submission.
It is not.
We are not powerless. Whether that’s in relation to a small, domestic conflict you might find yourself in, a bigger situation or in relation to the larger political stage.
As Martin Luther King told us: “Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.”
We do not win in conversations by blaming back. That’s Mediator Wisdom 101. Yet, it’s also counterintuitive when one is experiencing being blamed. Hardest thing ever.
Yet, appreciation is incredibly disarming. It can be used as an active peacemaking advantage. Appreciation not as a way to acquiesce. That’s not power collaboration, that’s accommodation or subservience.
Appreciation, when it is coupled with attending to and hearing the deeper needs of all, creates the opening for meaningful dialogue and change.
Using blame will not advance our collaborative needs. So we need more options.
This is only one part of the formula and yet now that I’ve learned Ashok’s story, I’m noticing global leaders using an increased appreciation in relation to the changing power landscape.
Let’s be like the Zoroastrians, not as a way to avoid our harder realities, but as a way to BE in our realities so we can move through them in a good way. As the Zoroastrians say:
Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds.
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