Archives for November 2020

I Appreciate You

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“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!”  …  Mae West

I appreciate you! You are wonderful! You are amazing! You are loved! You are enough!
 
With COVID2 the sequel taking place around the world, we cannot be reminded enough of the power of appreciation. While preparing for another of my “Difficult Conversations” courses (more on that soon, I promise!), I’ve been diving into the research on effective teams and appreciation shows up there too.
 
Losada & Heaphy studied 60 business teams, measuring the impact of the ratio of positive comments (“I agree with that,” or “That’s a terrific idea”) to negative comments (“I don’t agree with you” “We shouldn’t even consider doing that”). The success measures they examined included financial performance, customer satisfaction ratings & 360-degree feedback on the team members (team members answering anonymous questionnaires about each other).
 
The factor that made the greatest difference between the most and least successful teams was the ratio between positive comments and negative, sarcastic or disparaging ones. Like the work of John and Julie Gottman with married couples, the average ratio for the highest-performing teams was also 5:1 (five positive comments for every negative one).
 
The medium-performance teams averaged 4:2 (twice as many positive comments than negative ones). The average for the low-performing teams was almost three negative comments for every positive one (1:3).
 
This fundamental practice of appreciation seems to apply to all social relationships. 
 
Here is the rub.  When we are suffering from acute stress (like in a protracted pandemic) our resources get depleted and there is more of a tendency to notice the negative, have rigid thinking and go into blame.  So, that’s why it’s important to remind each other to:

  • Be calm
  • Be kind
  • Be safe


These words, repeated daily from British Columbia’s provincial health officer Dr. Bonnie Henry, act as a tonic to our stressed-out brains.
 
Let’s add:  Be appreciative.
 
I appreciate you!   And the more specific we can be with our appreciation, the more it lands as authentic.  I appreciate you because you take the time to read this newsletter and your readership means I have someone to contribute to.  Thank you for the opportunity and privilege to do so!
 
Now go out and love someone!

Let’s Do This!

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“For what we are beginning to wake up to today …is that we have for millenia structured our social institutions and our systems of values precisely in ways that serve to block, distort, and pervert our enormous human yearning for loving connections.” … Riane Eisler
 
Since writing my Environment blog post last month about embracing a new story, the Great Turning instead of only the Great Unraveling, I’ve been thinking about what new story I want to tell myself about our place in the sixth extinction.
 
I still believe we are dying as a species and taking many others down with us.  That part of my story hasn’t changed.  And, I’ve expanded the story.
 
Up until now, I saw my role in our collective dying as a type of grief midwife.  I’ve seen death close up and done my fair share of grieving.  I can do this!  I can be with our species and other species dying, as best I can fathom that and process that.
 
But, in the light of a new story emerging, I also want to give some of my attention to that. The new story for me starts with what I love.  I value and celebrate the arts, compassion, love, beauty, magic, kindness. These are the type of values that resonate with me and those connected to me in whatever ways. 

What does that mean in the context of the world as we know it imploding?

It means we can remind each other that we still hold those ideals.  As we collapse more and more, we will be challenged more and more to “go reptile” – to give in to our baser aspects – our fears in particular. Living in a state of fear is not conducive to celebrating the highest in humanity. 
 
What helps?
 
Staying in our hearts.  Staying calm and kind – as the actual pathway to be safe.  We need each other.  We need connection.  When we are stressed and in fear, we want to isolate and turn each other into enemies.  Let’s remind each other that that is an illusion!  We are all ultimately connected. 
 
Can I invite you to put your hand on your heart?  Yes, right now.  Yes, hand up, onto middle of chest.

Yes?
 
That is our “secret weapon.”  According to researchers at the HeartMath Institute and those in the field of neurocardiology, the heart is a brain centre as well, and sends more signals to the head brain than the other way around.  According to HeartMath:
 
“Communication along all these conduits significantly affects the brain’s activity, Science of the Heart states. Moreover, our research shows that messages the heart sends the brain can also affect performance.”

We can impact our thinking through speaking and listening more from the heart.
 
Try it! 

Think of the sixth extinction with your hand on your heart. Think of how you want to be during and through these times.  Think of what you want our new story for humanity to be.  Allow your heart to send the signals it wants to, to your thinking brain.  See if you can catch a wave.

Our new story can be one of increased love and connection together.

Would love to hear what your heart thinks!

What to do About Conflict Fall Out in a Group?

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“I still believe that if we turn to one another, if we begin talking with each other – especially with those we call stranger or enemy – then this world can reverse its darkening direction and change for the good. And I know with all my heart that the only way the world will change is if many more of us step forward, let go of our judgments, become curious about each other, and take the risk to begin a conversation.”  … Margaret Wheatley

I got a message recently from a friend asking if I knew of any articles about what to do with conflict fall out in a group.  In that message, inspiration hit.  What would I say?

Have you ever been in a group, workplace, community – where someone left and their leaving caused hurt feelings, especially if they perhaps “didn’t go quietly?”

This is something I deal with in my work as a mediator, as I get called into groups or workplaces when someone has left (quit, fired, sick leave).  There are many “feelings” and because of gossip, the person and their imprint has actually not left at all.

So, that is the first thing I would say from my experience:  acknowledge that something truly is going on here.  We have such an aversion to conflict, we want to avoid it like the plague, so we don’t recognize the signs in our own intuitive knowing.

If you think there’s a conflict lingering, tell yourself you are right!

Once you validate that the conflict did not go away, just because the person did (and this is a huge step), the next step is to bring the conflict out in the open.

This is scary!  Most of us don’t have the shared language to engage in these kind of conversations in a way that feels safe to our feelings.  Without safety, we won’t get far.  Just like cells in a petri dish, when we put threat into the petri dish in the form of a toxin, the cells automatically migrate over to the borders of the petri dish.  No one wants to be hurt – we are all programmed to survive and live.  It’s that simple, really.

So, what can we do to engage in the conversations in a way that promotes safety?

Well, that’s the subject of my whole career!

To boil it all down to one short tip is a challenge, and, here is my offering:  one of the most impactful things one can do is speak from the heart.  Call together a meeting of those left behind, say you’d like everyone to speak and listen from their hearts about 3 agenda items:

  1. What happened (from the speaker’s point of view)?
  2. Who has been affected by what happened and how (including the speaker)?
  3. What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?

Take these three questions one at a time.  Do a “round” with each question, and use a talking piece.  When the person is holding the talking piece, they have the floor. Remind people regularly to listen from their hearts and to speak from their hearts.

Do the first round with the first question.  Then, depending on time, you can do a “witness” round on the same question.  That is, once everyone has heard everyone else on the topic, there may be more to add.  Allow for that if you can. Then go on to the second question, same process. And the third question. 

Make sure everyone agrees at the start that they will speak and listen from the heart and also that they will respect the talking piece (they will not talk when someone has it and they will not ask to take it if ti’s not their turn and not going in the circle to their turn).

There are lots of variations of this form, and in a short article, I want to deliver it to you short and sweet and with the highest chances of succeeding.

Gordon White and I are also working on a course on how to have Difficult Conversations that can stand as a unifying factor for a community.  Taking a course together and talking about its contents can help people realize where they can up their game regarding communicating and how they can bring more safety to the community by how they communicate. 

Hope this article can give you some insights on what to do next if you have some conflict fall-out in one of your micro communities  We all need each other and connection, now more than ever! 

And, if you have any feedback, insights or comments, I want to hear!  Please comment!  Thank you for reading!