Archives for January 2017

Release and Relax

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Just before Christmas, I had a major setback in my computer life.  My harddrive crashed and I lost data from the spring of 2016 to the end of this year.  Additionally, I lost all my contacts in my email program and then transferred from that email program to a new one.

Throughout this whole journey, I have noticed several times when I experienced stress because of it.  But each time, I would catch myself thinking upsetting thoughts and would have to self-soothe:  “It’s okay!  It’ll all work out! If it’s important, it will be dealt with.”

This month has been a great lesson in, firstly, having a proper backup system for sure.  It has also served as a touchstone to remind me that how I look at a situation can help me or hinder me.

Kelly McGonigal is a big proponent of reframing how we think about stress.   She used to tell her clients that they need to watch their stress levels and decrease them.  However, after reviewing several key studies, she began to think that it was the fact that one thought stress was bad that made it so!

One of the pieces of research McGonigal cites was from a 1998 survey conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics that asked approximately 29,000 people questions about stress levels, stress management and perceptions about how stress affects health. They then looked at instances of death among survey respondents over the next 8 years.. Survey respondents who reported a lot of stress and who had the perception that stress had a big impact on health had an increased hazard ratio — converted into a 43% increased risk of premature death. However, survey respondents who reported a lot of stress but little to no perception that stress impacted health had the lowest hazard ratio of any group in the survey, even those who felt almost no stress!

That’s a good reminder that how we think about what is happening can impact our body, mind and emotions profoundly.   In her book, The Upside of Stress: Why stress is good for you – McGonigal offers a choice of two Mindsets:

Mindset 1:
“Stress Is Harmful. Experiencing stress depletes my health and vitality. Experiencing stress debilitates my performance and productivity. Experiencing stress inhibits my learning and growth. The effects of stress are negative and should be avoided.”

Mindset 2:

“Stress Is Enhancing. Experiencing stress enhances my performance and productivity. Experiencing stress improves my health and vitality. Experiencing stress facilitates my learning and growth. The effects of stress are positive and should be utilized.”
Are there any stressful situations in your life that you can look at with this second Mindset? Which do you think is more health-enhancing?

Ingenuity

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Lately, when I think of the multiple eco-systems collapsed or collapsing, I’ve started to think of ingenuity.  There is the ingenuity of humans of course and there are lots of examples of that.  Guy Dauncy in particular has done a great job of collecting positive, empowering stories of how we can do things differently.

However, I’ve been thinking more about the ingenuity of the earth’s ecosystem itself.  The Earth has a balance that I don’t understand and can never understand.  I’m not saying one should not believe in climate change or not promote food security (two issues that keep me up at night).  But there is something about trusting the fundamental goodness and wisdom of life.  I don’t know for sure how everything will turn out tomorrow, in the next 10 years or 100 years.  I know how I want it to turn out – to have a robust environment for us, our children, grandchildren, the 7 generations and the sentient beings.

How we get there is another story!  Whatever the solutions, can we look at the whole situation from a place of a trust in the basic goodness and wisdom of all?  How might that impact the dialogue and rhetoric?

“Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time. Hatred ceases through love. This is an unalterable law.”  … Buddha

Are those Dogs or Owls on your PJs?

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My job as a conflict resolver, puts me in the unique position of hearing “both sides” of a conflict.  In fact, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t endeavour to understand and connect with the different perspectives in conflict.

Recently, I have noticed my own tolerance for differences has been increasing.  It might be because of the recent US elections, which has stretched me and challenged me to look at both sides. But, I recently had a strange kaleidescope moment speaking with my daughter and her friend.  Both were wearing fleece pjs in the evening.  As we were all talking, I started to notice both the differences and the similarities in their pjs.  Both their pjs were made of fleece but they were of different colours.  Then I noticed my daughter’s friend had owls on her pjs whereas my daughter’s pjs had a dog print.  I voiced this observation and my daughter’s friend said: “Well, they are both animals!”

That momentary exchange made me think of how we tend to look at similarities and differences in conflict.  When we are focused on agreeing, on what we have in common, we seem to relax, come together and believe we are the same.  We are all animals.  However, when we notice the differences while in conflict – that there are dogs and owls – we can quickly deteriorate into your difference is bad and you are bad.

It seems to me, we are all a never-ending combination of similarities and differences and depending on how we look at it, even those differences can be seen as similar.

In conflict, the impulse is to downplay the differences because of this risk.  However, we really need to acknowledge, accept and examine those differences.  How can we become more comfortable with holding that other as having some aspects that are different and some that are the same? That difference does not make you bad or wrong or fundamentally different.  It’s just a difference to be explored, engaged with and included.

As you think about anyone you might have a “difference” with  – are you making the person wrong for being different?  How can you get curious about that difference?  How can use your “giraffe ears”?  For more info on giraffe ears, check out my new book co-authored with therapist Judy Zehr.
“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence”  … J. Krishnamurti